Self Reflection

Today, a relationship with so much promise ended. My
relationship. The reason: Me. Now I know most would argue that it’s not me that
it was him but only I know the truth. The real Truth. Not a fabricated version
of it. It was an epiphany. The moment it happened, yes I was hurt, my heart is
broken, but I can’t be mad, I saw things clearer. Strictly as they were. I’ve
always thought of myself as a caring, loving, generous person but when in
relationship I tend to lose myself. Become someone I loath. I become selfish,
inconsiderate, not caring for the other person. I mean I do care but my actions
show otherwise. 

His words, my hidden truths, slice through me but
not smooth like slicing through butter, it’s jagged and tough. He says all the
things I’ve been seeing about myself. I only don’t want to hear them because I
already know them; the problem is fixing them. Removing them. Riding myself of
these enemies that mutated with me. For Him, I had no respect. No care for his
feelings. Which sounds obscured for me? But it’s not. Every human has a flaw,
if not many flaws. It’s realizing them and changing them that makes a
difference. I need to work on my relationship flaws. My control issues, but
seeing that I am a Capricorn that might be a little difficult but not
impossible. He said it was only a “break.” Not a breakup, but my mind
sees them as the same. 

Me changing, losing who I really am, because I
became too comfortable, was “False Advertising” as he playfully put
it and he was right. I’m not a horrible person. I really do give my heart, love
and Trust freely, but that’s just me as a person. In a relationship, I am
learning that Mutual-ism, Compromise and Understanding are more than just
really nice words. They mean so much to a relationship, like breathing is for
humans. Life is like school. You learn something every day. What amused me was
that he wrote a list of the things that I carelessly did and need to change. It
only made everything I was feeling about myself more real. And I needed it.
Every brutal detail.

I never asked for him to take care of me. I never wanted a
man to take care of me, but it was nice to know that he would, even though it
went against his nature. And that’s where I lost myself. Having someone take
care of me. Not having to do anything. Deal with the troubles of life. Reminds
me of home. When I was little. How my mom would take care of me. I never wanted
to be that women, not saying that it’s a problem, where the Man takes care of
everything and the Women stays home and takes care of the house. Like my mom I
wanted my own. I wanted independence my own everything. I still do. It ached
inside me that I was letting him take of me. Made me sick. But I wasn’t
motivated enough to change that. 

I’m only 20, well 21 in 7 days, and there’s so much
about life, people and myself to learn about. It hurts to realize that the ones
you cherish, love even, say that you’re not who you were when they first met
you. It tears at your very existence. The realization, that maybe they are
right. That some reflection time is needed. But in all that darkness there’s a
breakthrough. Some are faster than others. But there’s still a breakthrough.
Unless you’re stubborn and you don’t want to blame yourself, so you blame
everyone else. But that’s not stubbornness, that’s PRIDE and sometimes it will
get you nowhere but a dead end. I don’t know if this “Break” is a
good thing or a bad thing; I am distracted by the thought and presence
of him, I never learned how to focus on my life and a relationship without one
beating the other. Typically, “Boys” overshadowed that focus without
competition. Another flaw that I am in the process of eliminating. 

My heart aches, because I am hurt and I know it
hurts him but we both know it’s for a good reason. I have to find myself again.
Get back on track. Stop complaining about life and do something about it. Stop
letting others’ “suggestions” about my life take affect and confuse
me. Stop saying these things I will do and change and actually do them. Do them
for Me, Myself, and I. Do them because if I want to be at a certain place in my
life then being lazy or worried isn’t going to cut it; like muddin’ around
in a truck, and when you get stuck you push on the gas but you only sink deeper
and deeper. 
I can honestly say, he was right about it all. At
first I panicked, thinking oh my god does that make a horrible person? Am I
becoming the anti-me. I panicked long and hard. Though I’m still panicking, I
know or I’m beginning to know, it doesn’t make me a horrible person, a bad
girlfriend, a bad friend, it just makes me human. It shows me that I have much
to LEARN about myself and much to CHANGE.

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