Today, I woke up and though I was sleepy from staying up all night finishing my school work, I oddly enough felt serene. I mean for the first time in a very, very long time I felt more content with myself and who I am than I’ve ever felt before. I guess it may have something to do with how beautiful today is but to me that just puts the icing on my cake that’s exploding with fireworks. My thoughts are clear and I’m not anxious like I am normally. I’m calm.
I want to tell you about a dream I had. During that day I said I was done with life. I was so tired of fighting, dealing with this Depression. I was tired. I felt like I had given it all I had and in the end that Darkness got what it wanted; my surrender. It was a long, a very long tiresome, aggravating, overworked fight between Depression and I. Sadly on that day it won. When night came my tears poured out like an endless waterfall. My heart agonized for a way out of this punishment. Crying myself to sleep I said I was done. I give up. I can’t do this anymore. I was alone. I was dealing with this burden all on my own. I could be in an ocean of people whom I can talk to and still feel swallowed in the deep abyss of my Depression.
Time before I would plead to God saying help me. Screaming Help me. I can’t do this anymore, at least not on my own. I couldn’t talk to anyone because I felt like no one would understand how deep my scares are. Why they bleed for this long. As I cried myself to sleep, I completely gave up on everything , though it was painful I felt peace. Something I never knew I could. It was like, if I knew I could get peace by just giving up, I would have done it a long time ago. But i’m tougher than I let on to be and fought. In this dream I was in the ocean, the deepest, darkest, coldest part of the ocean. Nowhere to run, nothing to do but sink. Under those predicaments I still felt peace, but it wasn’t a peace that I would recommend to anyone; really no one should give up fighting. I was just floating and sinking farther and farther down till I heard a voice. It was a soothing, kind, and loving voice. It said “You can’t give up. I won’t let you give up. You have to fight. I have big plans for you and I won’t let you give up. Don’t give up on me just yet.” The water began to glow a luminescent light and a golden hand reached down for me. the voice continued “Don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on me.” I reached for the hand and was pulled out of this darkness.
The hand was the warmest hand I had ever known. It calmed my heart and soothed my soul. It sang to me like the words of a harmonious song. I felt love like I had never felt before. Unconditional and true. Love and hope coated me and all that I am. When I woke up all I could do was cry. I wasn’t sad or hurt or scared. I was Saved. He Saved Me. And I believed in him more than anything. To this day when I feel myself wanting to let go and give up again those words and that dream echo in my head like a song on indefinite repeat. I never get tired of hearing that same song. I’ll never get tired of hearing and dreaming that song.
Last night I had that dream once again, word for word. He was reminding me that I am not forgotten. That I am never alone. That He would be there to Save me. That I should never give up on Him and its time for me to come home. Home is where the heart is. And my heart is with him.
I just want to say I have only told that dream to a few, meaning 3, this is the first time I am sharing this story with the world. I woke up feeling that I had a message from yours truly to deliver. No matter what god you believe in just know that NO ONE IS EVER ALONE. Even if you don’t believe in a God or in a Heaven, whatever you do believe in YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You never were.
I Am Home. I Am Home.