Broken but Still Standing

I guess it’s time I be honest with myself. I’ve been avoiding, or at least trying to avoid the fact that I am broken. The one I called “My Aurora Borealis” has left the building. Better yet the beautiful chemicals In the sky have evaporated to nothing. Things were pretty good. I mean I had to get my life on track, finish High school and start college, figure out what career path I wanted to take. When I was with him I wasn’t sure what I wanted and to be honest that put me in a bit of depression. All I did was sleep and eat. He would come home and wouldn’t be so happy to see that and don’t think I was happy to let him see that. I had a job but stopped going, I started school to get my GED but just stopped that as well. To me not knowing exactly what I wanted or where I wanted to go with my life put a lot more pressure on me.

I could tell he didn’t know how to handle what I was trying to explain and he would try to push me with “Tough Love” but that doesn’t work for someone like me. I’m a bit emotional and I need love, care and a lot of support. He did support me but after a while he got tired of that. So he called for a break. He was embarrassed by me doing what I was doing; not working, just sleeping for umpteen hours. Yes, it hurt to hear that but I couldn’t blame him. I did need to get things right with myself and as I told him before that he was a BIG distraction. Honestly though he didn’t need to write down all the things that were wrong, no one who deals with darkness wants a list of things that are wrong with them. But he said it was so he wouldn’t get off track because he has a habit of telling long stories.

On this break everything for me was confusing and it hurt. No one likes waiting and hoping for something that means the world to you, but I had no choice this “Break” was for me, for “us.” All I had to do was get a job and save some money, get myself a car, just get myself right. When I came Home, back with my siblings and mother, everyone wasn’t thrilled to have me back, well not everyone but that also packed on more weight to what was already bothering me. Obviously I didn’t want to be there either but had no choice. We were moving a month later so there was no point in looking for a job because I wouldn’t have a way there and back. So I started to look into school. My best friend said we should go together to the Wake Tech Adult High school program and that’s what happened. She started before me, they had her transcripts already. I had to mail them mine. Honestly I was being lazy when it came to getting them my Transcripts but hey I got it in and a month later, after we moved I started.

Now in all that, I was still dealing with losing this man. It was more of a distraction than he thought; not having him as mine. My heart was being bipolar with decisions that I made up. I was beginning to think he had met someone else. That’s what everyone else was saying and I didn’t want to believe that. I wanted to believe that he was being sincere with me. That he loved me like he said he did. I always see the good and honesty in people. I guess I was naïve for that. Well part of me feels that way. A little bit before he officially ended it we got into an argument on the phone basically he was growing  impatient. He felt that he couldn’t wait anymore. Said that he’d given 100 percent in supporting me and waiting for me. Kept bringing up the past 4 or 5 months that I wasn’t myself, when I was talking about the now. I told him I didn’t want to work right now because I needed to finish school. At least get my high school diploma. I said that unlike most people I can’t do too many things at once. And that getting this is so much more important. I wouldn’t want to get distracted from the prize. He didn’t see it like that.

And that was it. We were done. After that phone call honestly I wasn’t as sad as I expected to be, I guess I thought that we would make up and he’d still wait for me to finish this. I got another phone call a couple of nights later at 4am but I was asleep, I called back and wanted to make sure he was okay he said that he only called because he wanted to apologize for being so rude to me but that he meant what he said. “We can still hangout and you can hit me up, But I don’t want to be with you like that..” and right there I felt it. I had told him one night that if he hurt me he would Break Me. I wouldn’t be able to survive it. I know a little over dramatic but it was true. How true? well, I’ve been pretending. What I mean by that is I’ve been trying to psych myself into believing that what we had, what I felt was not real. I didn’t love him as hard as I did. He and everything that came with him was just a dream. Nothing more, but that’s only making me numb and if anyone has ever felt numbness toward any emotion but pain then you know it’s far from sunshine and rainbow ponies.

I’m doing this because the pain that I actually feel is way worse than the pain of being numb. I try not to think of every memory. I try not to remember how tightly he would hold me at night. All the things he’d say to me. He broke me when I warned him not to. I haven’t felt like this since I first fell in love years ago and I thought I wouldn’t be able to come back from it either but I did, so there’s faith and hope that I will get through this one as well. It’s just sad that I have to do all this lying to myself just to keep my heart beating. What hurts more is that I felt like he was just playing mind games with me which made me even crazier as to what I should do. It also made me feel that I’m not worth waiting for. Which I know I am. Was I selfish to ask him to be more patient? Guess I’ll never know the answer. Numerous times friends of mine would say he’s not right for you. Even though I heard them I wasn’t listening. I gave him all of me. Was it real or Was it fake? Was it all in my head?

Writing this is harder than I hoped it would be but there was no running from it anymore. I still have to lie to myself just to keep my heart beating. He broke me but I’m still standing–barely but still standing.

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