My heart hurts. It has been hurting for a very long time now. I can’t breathe. The tears of my pain are making their way down my blushed cheeks. Trying to hold them in because I am not alone, is getting tougher and tougher as the minute goes by. I’m Back in this cold familiar place again that its almost homey. Its normal now. But I don’t want to get use to being like this or having this with me for as long as I live. I’ve been a victim for so long and I’m tired. How many times do I need to fight. How long will I last before I finally throw in the towel?
I am HAUNTED by my memory. She has me as her PRISONER. Wanting so bad to let go and move on, but can’t because the second I close my eyes the ones who have PLAGUED me, and TAUNTED me live behind my eyes. I am BROKEN, have been for a very LONG time now. But I am also STRONG which THICKENS after each battle. Just the battles seem to only grow stronger with me. I don’t want anymore obstacles, not with Depression, life has enough on it’s own. But we can’t all have what we want, now can we?
All honesty, I hate what those people did to me. I hate what you did to me. I would ask myself repeatedly why? What did I do to you? I would cry in my room at night silently because I would feel weak if I showed that it hurt me. That you broke through my Titanium shield. I want to say that I hate you for doing this to me. Every night I’d wish for an apology but know I would never get one. I can’t leave my home without looking like “Perfection” every strand of hair has to be in it’s place. Clothes have to match and fit right. I won’t go out anywhere if my hair isn’t “Perfect”. I’d sit and cry and just get frustrated with everything. Including life.
Did you know that “Perfection” doesn’t exist. It never did. It was only created for the “Magazine Girl” to make others feel that if they looked like “Her” than they are pretty close to “Perfection” THAT SHIT NEVER EXISTED. Did you know I tried sooo hard for your approval. To feel excepted and not alienated or laughed at. I hated myself for WANTING or NEEDING your approval. I HATED myself for letting your words get to me. And worse of all, for LETTING you do this to me. I don’t want to be STUCK in the PAST! I hate it. But I’m here trying to claw my way out from the dried cement you poured on me.
But it wasn’t just you. I have a father, whom I had to leave in New Jersey. I was too young and he wasn’t financially stable to take care of me. I am a HUGE Daddy’s Girl. Always will be. When you were playing your games with me I would WANT and NEED him. I would CRY at night for HIM. Wishing he could be there just to comfort me. Just to hold me. Tell me that all will be okay. That you all were nothing I should worry about. Tell me that I am stronger than that. But he wasn’t there. And I didn’t blame him, I blamed myself. Why, I honestly do not know. Just did. But it wasn’t anyone’s fault.
Do you know what Depression feels like? Do you have any idea what I go through on a daily basis? Not that you care when you should. YOU DISTROYED me. ENDED my life for me before I even had a CHANCE to LIVE it. It’s like having your heart ripped out from your chest and having someone or multiple someone’s cut it into pieces. pieces that can’t be put back together no matter which way you try. It’s like having so much talent in you and faith in yourself that you would take that leap and show the world what you have to offer but then hearing the laughs and taunting like an echo. A vivid echo. As if someone was there yelling directly at you, so you shy away from living your DREAMS. How would that feel for you if you couldn’t live your dream because of the shit someone put you through always played in your memory. A vivid ECHO.
I honestly thought I had completely forgiven you. I thought I let go off all the shit that was said to me. Done to me. Thought that I had finally put you on the bottom of my shoe and scrapped you off like the dirty I want to say you are. I guess I haven’t. I haven’t at all. I still can’t talk about the memories without crying or getting teary. I haven’t let go and I’m so tired of fighting. I am so tired of remembering your faces. I am just TIRED. But don’t start smiling just yet, that doesn’t me I throw in the towel. You should know me by now. I DONT GIVE UP so EASY. I am one TOUGH cookie.
Depression makes you feel ALONE even in an OCEAN of people. It’s not something to just put aside. I am a survivor, I am still SURVIVING. As much as I hate you, you made me stronger. Like Demi Lovato amazingly sang “Now I’m A WARRIOR, Now I”ve got thicker skin. I’m A WARRIOR, I’m STRONGER than I’ve EVER been. And my ARMOR is made of STEEL you CANT get IN. I’m A WARRIOR and YOU can NEVER HURT ME AGAIN.”