Worth it..Not

I am afraid to love again. If you knew me thats not me. I was never afraid to fall in again. Sure I hated starting over but so does the rest of the world nonetheless, I was never afraid to let someone in. He blew past me like natural disasters one after another leaving nothing and I mean nothing at all. I am afraid to love again and it hurts. I never knew what this felt like. I have friends who knows it so well that it could be their bestfriend or their twin. But me, I always told them never give up on love. Never, ever give up on love. It’s worth it no matter what. And fear is just another reason to try harder. But this fear, this kind of fear is heavy. It’s so heavy it weighs me down completely. I feel my heart turning cold as it starts to turn to stone. As Adele’s amazing words “You burnt my heart to stone..” and he did. In all honesty I just want to say Fuck Love. which for me is porposturous. It’s not knon to have those words utter from my mouth. I feel done, damaged, and no more.

I’m afraid to fully trust someone again. And I always trust everybody; saw the good in everyone, which wasnt a bad thing but wasnt a good thing either. Now that it truly comes to my heart I’m afraid to feel. I keep asking myself how long will this take. How long do I feel so numb. Because there is no way I can last forever like this. If you’ve ever had your heart broken by someone who meant the world to you then you know this heavy, dark, cold, unable to breathe, existing in the world in slow motion feeling. It seems like the doorway to warmth gets further and further every step you take–a taunting game. I just want it to be over. I’m so ready for it be over. But I’ve never felt so weak in my entire life. I know I’ll get through it, which is not the point, it’s being in this hell whole thats driving me crazy; clincly insane.

I’m afraid to love again. I’m afraid to fall in love again. Because all that I knew, all that I believed, and that I gave was threw to ground and spit on by the one i gave my all to. It truly almost makes love not even worth it.

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