I need to be honest with myself and I always find that to be more difficult than being honest with others. And I know I am not the only one. It’s obvious that we as humans are quick to differ a situation from us to another because dealing with our own issues seems like an endless and destructive and fearful activity. So, let’s be honest today because I have had enough of pretending and trying to ignore all that’s in my heart and in my thoughts. I wanna blame it on my heartache;which is really annoying;getting my heart torn into a gazillion pieces because that seems to be the only plausible reason for feeling this way–Cause and Effect. I wanna use somebody. I want a momentary, temporary fix. Get high off of pure bliss. I want to use someone to make myself feel less–ooh that sounds so horrible when I admit it out loud–but its the truth. I don’t want Sex so don’t confuse yourself. What I want is something much more valuable to me, Intimacy. What I want is the release of a hormone that resides in my beautiful brain, which can be achieved without Sex. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if sex ended up happening though it is not my intention.
I know you’re probably assuming “Okay that’s normal, we get hurt and we need to deal with it in whatever way we deem necessary…” the problem is I’d rather be in pain than to use somebody. But every day I only feel worse. I’m broken, I’m dead inside. I try so hard to hold on and I only hurt worse which makes using some one look more appealing. Another thing is that I know that if I let myself travel to “The Dark Side” for me, there would be no coming back. I know that I will only spiral out of control and to my demise. I don’t want it to look appealing. I’ve never in my life felt this way, these are all new emotions and they scare the living hell out of me. I don’t know what or where they could lead to. All I know is that I’m dead inside and I’d rather have a temporary fix, which would only become an addiction because I would need it as often as I hurt. But then I’d rather continue on suffering because I have morals. I’m not selfish. I’ve been used before and I know it’s not a good time. I’m fighting with myself because she wants the “Quick Fix” and I know it will only lead to darkness.
I’m such a “Good Girl” that it’s almost funny. I do enjoy the occasional high of weed every once in a while and I’ve even contemplated doing that more and more but again I have my own boundaries. Are boundaries put in place to be broken or to stop self-destruction?.. I wanna lose myself in someone, of course if I knew how without emotions. Without a connection. I want to lose myself in an overload of pleasure. I want to release the chemicals in my brain that causes that “High” feeling. I wanna feel less empty. I want to feel wanted and needed..and I feel like I’m asking for too much, who knows maybe I am and even though it’s natural I still feel that its it unnatural, yet everyday it sounds more appealing. If you were in my shoes. what would you do..??