“Nigga, I don’t know why but she won’tlet me in.” he says in defeat. “I mean I’ve tried everything I know, and when I think that she believes me, she retracts back into this cocoon she’s built for herself.” He looks up at the dark sky and the glittering stars as if they possess some kind of hope or some answer he needs. “Look, Ty I don’t know what to tell you. I mean, if you love her like you say you do and you see she’s worth it, then keep fighting to reach her. I’m not gone say drop that bitch it aint worth it, cause I ain’t never seen nobody like y’all. I know she love you, errbody ’round here can see it. I know you can too. So nigga fight for her that’s all I can say.” He takes in a deep breath letting his best friends advice sink in. He does love her and he knows she loves him just as much, but for some reason she won’t him in. Left alone he stares at the stars and the fall wind breezes through him. Ty had never loved someone as much as he loved Maya. From the first time he’d seen her four years ago at the Bowling Alley, laughing and not having a care in the world. Her smile is what caught him. How it made him feel like nothing else would suffice. How it made all his own life’s problems just fade into nothing. How when she looked at him he was bound. No girl has ever made him feel like that. He fought it constantly but eventually he knew there was no point. She had slipped into his world like water and never evaporated.
After an hour or so he began to walk. He needed to think. He wanted to know why she was holding back. Why she wouldn’t let him in. He knew someone had hurt her, a lot of someones, and he wanted to know more but she would never continue. He knew from the get go that she was damaged, at least that’s what she says about herself. But he doesn’t see her as damaged. No where near. No matter how many times he tells her she won’t let him in. He couldn’t see himself without her. His world wouldn’t exist. She was his ride or die. His heart was growing tired but he wasnt going to give up on her. He couldn’t. She was his everything. Moments later he somehow found his way in front of her place. He just stood there and happened to see her in the window typing on her laptop. All he could do was smile. She was always clued to that thing writing her thoughts and feelings; which he could never read. But one day he knew he would. And he would wait till that day. No matter how long it took, she would let him in one day.
“..How long will this one stay around? I shouldn’t think like this, not about him. I gotta be honest, he’s different. I’ve never loved someone this hard before. It scares the hell out of me. I can’t afford to get hurt again. I just can’t. I can’t afford to let myself fall indefinitely without a promise, fuck it a promise wouldn’t even work. I am damaged goods. What could he see in me? To him I am his blessing. When really he’s mine. But I’ve been fucked over so many times that when I finally get a good one I can’t love him like the others. And I wanna give him the world. I can’t see myself without him. So I should just let him in like he asks, like he pleads and when I feel the urge to, my heart breaks and fear drenches me in painful memories. He shouldn’t have to suffer for what they did. So why am I torturing him? My guess is when a woman has been wronged so many times it’s all she knows. That’s all I know. And I’m waiting cause eventually he’ll hurt me. But deep down somewhere I know he won’t. So I’m wasting time, his and mine, waiting for nothing. God knows I love him and I hope he stays long enough for me to open up…”
Maya furiously wrote away in her online diary. Her truths, her deepest, most darkest thoughts and feelings were poured out onto the screen of her laptop. Deep down she loved everything about Ty, she was just too afraid to show him and he’d never giving her a reason to be. She looked out the window at cars and people and wished and prayed that she could find the strength she needed to show him that she does love him. That he wasn’t alone. But where was she going to find this strength because wishing and praying had no promise. She knew she would have to truly take those steps to letting him in, but she wasn’t ready. Fear ravenously consumed all of her. No matter how much love she felt for Ty, fear was making her his bitch and she was letting it. She broke down in tears because more than anything all she wanted was for Ty to comfort her. To have his strong arms wrapped around her because that’s where she felt safe. That’s where nothing and no one could penetrate. Though because of how things were between them she knew she had no right to even ask, even though he would be there in a flash if she called. She looked back at her computer and slammed it shut. she couldn’t write anymore.
She laid down on the bed and sobbed in her covers. Why would she do this to someone who truly loved her? How could she? She hated those before that had ruined her. But she hated herself more because she vowed that she would never give up on love and when it finally came around and real this time she had nothing left to give. A knock at her front door stopped her sobs. She got up, walked down the hall, past the bathroom and into the livingroom, “Who is it?” she says, voice wavering and weak. “Open the door baby.” at the sound of Ty’s voice her heart fell into the pit of her stomach. Why was he there she wandered. She wiped her face and unlocked the door. He was against the door way, “What are you-” before she could finish her sentence, his arms were wrapped around her just like she wished and she melted because finally she was safe and sound. He picked her up and took her back to her room, laid her on her bed and he climbed in beside her. He held her in his arms tightly just like she needed. She basked in the warmth of his body, the smell of his cologne and they just laid there in silence wrapped in each other.To be continued…