Let Me Love You

“Nigga, I don’t know why but she won’tlet me in.” he says in defeat. “I mean I’ve tried everything I know, and when I think that she believes me, she retracts back into this cocoon she’s built for herself.” He looks up at the dark sky and the glittering stars as if they possess some kind of hope or some answer he needs. “Look, Ty I don’t know what to tell you. I mean, if you love her like you say you do and you see she’s worth it, then keep fighting to reach her. I’m not gone say drop that bitch it aint worth it, cause I ain’t never seen nobody like y’all. I know she love you, errbody ’round here can see it. I know you can too. So nigga fight for her that’s all I can say.” He takes in a deep breath letting his best friends advice sink in. He does love her and he knows she loves him just as much, but for some reason she won’t him in. Left alone he stares at the stars and the fall wind breezes through him. Ty had never loved someone as much as he loved Maya. From the first time he’d seen her four years ago at the Bowling Alley, laughing and not having a care in the world. Her smile is what caught him. How it made him feel like nothing else would suffice. How it made all his own life’s problems just fade into nothing. How when she looked at him he was bound. No girl has ever made him feel like that. He fought it constantly but eventually he knew there was no point. She had slipped into his world like water and never evaporated.

After an hour or so he began to walk. He needed to think. He wanted to know why she was holding back. Why she wouldn’t let him in. He knew someone had hurt her, a lot of someones, and he wanted to know more but she would never continue. He knew from the get go that she was damaged, at least that’s what she says about herself. But he doesn’t see her as damaged. No where near. No matter how many times he tells her she won’t let him in. He couldn’t see himself without her. His world wouldn’t exist. She was his ride or die. His heart was growing tired but he wasnt going to give up on her. He couldn’t. She was his everything. Moments later he somehow found his way in front of her place. He just stood there and happened to see her in the window typing on her laptop. All he could do was smile. She was always clued to that thing writing her thoughts and feelings; which he could never read. But one day he knew he would. And he would wait till that day. No matter how long it took, she would let him in one day.

“..How long will this one stay around? I shouldn’t think like this, not about him. I gotta be honest, he’s different. I’ve never loved someone this hard before. It scares the hell out of me. I can’t afford to get hurt again. I just can’t. I can’t afford to let myself fall indefinitely without a promise, fuck it a promise wouldn’t even work. I am damaged goods. What could he see in me? To him I am his blessing. When really he’s mine. But I’ve been fucked over so many times that when I finally get a good one I can’t love him like the others. And I wanna give him the world. I can’t see myself without him. So I should just let him in like he asks, like he pleads and when I feel the urge to, my heart breaks and fear drenches me in painful memories. He shouldn’t have to suffer for what they did. So why am I torturing him? My guess is when a woman has been wronged so many times it’s all she knows. That’s all I know. And I’m waiting cause eventually he’ll hurt me. But deep down somewhere I know he won’t. So I’m wasting time, his and mine, waiting for nothing. God knows I love him and I hope he stays long enough for me to open up…”

Maya furiously wrote away in her online diary. Her truths, her deepest, most darkest thoughts and feelings were poured out onto the screen of her laptop. Deep down she loved everything about Ty, she was just too afraid to show him and he’d never giving her a reason to be. She looked out the window at cars and people and wished and prayed that she could find the strength she needed to show him that she does love him. That he wasn’t alone. But where was she going to find this strength because wishing and praying had no promise. She knew she would have to truly take those steps to letting him in, but she wasn’t ready. Fear ravenously consumed all of her. No matter how much love she felt for Ty, fear was making her his bitch and she was letting it. She broke down in tears because more than anything all she wanted was for Ty to comfort her. To have his strong arms wrapped around her because that’s where she felt safe. That’s where nothing and no one could penetrate. Though because of how things were between them she knew she had no right to even ask, even though he would be there in a flash if she called. She looked back at her computer and slammed it shut. she couldn’t write anymore.

She laid down on the bed and sobbed in her covers. Why would she do this to someone who truly loved her? How could she? She hated those before that had ruined her. But she hated herself more because she vowed that she would never give up on love and when it finally came around and real this time she had nothing left to give. A knock at her front door stopped her sobs. She got up, walked down the hall, past the bathroom and into the livingroom, “Who is it?” she says, voice wavering and weak. “Open the door baby.” at the sound of Ty’s voice her heart fell into the pit of her stomach. Why was he there she wandered. She wiped her face and unlocked the door. He was against the door way, “What are you-” before she could finish her sentence, his arms were wrapped around her just like she wished and she melted because finally she was safe and sound. He picked her up and took her back to her room, laid her on her bed and he climbed in beside her. He held her in his arms tightly just like she needed. She basked in the warmth of his body, the smell of his cologne and they just laid there in silence wrapped in each other.

To be continued…

Love Letter

Dear Sebastian,

My darling, Sebastian, you have plagued my existence. Every memory of you plays on repeat in my mind. Your smile causes my heart to flutter. Your eyes and the way you look at me like I’ve wanted a man to look at me. Like I dreamt it, makes me feel complete in life. The way we speak to each other, communicate with each other is like a classic fairytale but the connection between us is in overdrive. The words you say to me caress my soul. They inspire me. Comfort me. And its on overload.

You’re my other half. You’re my Adam and I’m your Eve. My Romeo and your Juliet. You’re invading me. You have since the day we met. Seeping your way into my soul, weaving our minds together. We’re intertwined. Having my heart wish for you at night, in the day. Ever second of the day. Whenever there is a love song on the radio your essence just surrounds me. It hugs me, but leaves me wishing it was you touching me. Holding me. My heart hurts when I’m not with you or around you. When you don’t talk to me in some time because of your busy schedule I feel parts of myself fading away. It’s agonizing. And tormenting. It’s cruel and unusual punishment.

I’ve never wanted someone as much as I want you. I’ve always wished for you. It’s like no matter who I am with or what I am doing, you and all of who you are, rushes to find its way back to me. Like it’s inevitably written in the stars that you are mine and I am yours. I tell myself to stay strong and not fall so easily but you were made specifically for me. I remember asking you how our first kiss was for you and you said It was like winning the lottery without buying a ticket. It was confusing and unexpected. It shocked the ground you stood on. Literally, your knees locked and toes curled. And you were confused and impressed and was mine from that moment on.

All I could do after hearing that was float. You had me high without smoking. I believe in destiny and in fate. But I also believe in when the timing is right. I feel that you and I saying all that we said. All that we promised each other, was meant to be said but I’ve come to see that actions definitely speak louder than words. And when we get back in touch things aren’t the same. You don’t make me feel like you did in those precious moments. So I second guess wanting to fall for you but by then It’s too late each time. And I fall harder and harder every time. I hope you remember when you told me that I am the one you will burn the world for. The one who has set a fire to your heart?

How you asked me to come take a bite of the apple from the Evil Tree. How if we kissed we’d set the world to fire. Or how you asked me to fall for love again because you would show me that nobody really loved me like you could. Where did all that go? Was it just words or did it mean anything. I feel naive but I don’t want to. It’s like I know two truths; You really mean the words you spoke to me but you run away without telling me anything until we lose touch and reconnect. And the process just keeps going. But I don’t want that Sebastian. I don’t want to keep replaying what could be. What is. I don’t want to be teased. Not like this any way. For the first time I can say you are one of the things I want and need in my life. I need you to inspire me. Fuel me with your words of Inspiration.

Tell me again how those Classic Romance stories take a woman to inspire those words. How I am that women. How I am that inspiration. How I am the one who you’ll burn the world for. How I am the one who has set a fire to your heart. Don’t run from me, because it’s already hard running from you. No more running. Take me into your embrace. Take me as yours. Hold me tightly. Never loosen your grip. Tell me you’ll never let me go, never again. Reassure me that falling isn’t the mistake. That not falling is. And I’ll reciprocate. I’ll show that no women has ever loved you like I know I can. Concupiscently. Like I was made to. Come with me, let’s make history and new beginnings. Will you come with me Sebastian? Will you give me all of you cause’ I’m giving you all of me.

All My Love,



As I’m dancing to the music that’s playing in the background, swaying my hips slowly, deftly, and intensely, I begin to feel my mind and spirit fly away. I’m getting lost in my moves and in the music. Dancing helps me lose control. Lets me rid myself of my everyday fears, just for a little while.  Every so often I come down from this high and this time I notice that I am not alone. There’s another here with me. Watching me intensely. I feel his eyes covering my every curve. wishing he could touch me. Kiss me. Take me in to his embrace. Noticing him I start to dance more freely. This time I’m dancing for him. Slowly I take my hands and caress my own body as if it was priceless gold.

We lock eyes and a sly smirk glides across my face. This connection is so strong. Its been that way since we first met; how he smiles and how he looked at me like he was amazed and in awe of me. Smiling so big, because I am enjoying myself, I ask him if he wants to dance with me.
“I don’t dance.” he says With a voice that makes me tremble.
“Oh please, everybody dances. or you don’t know how.” I reply. He smiles as if I had just read his mind. I’m not taking no for answer, so I pull him off the chair and bring him to the floor. I’m laughing because he looks clueless but it’s too cute. He makes me giggle. Then he smiles that smile again and I get a rush. I pull him to me. we’re close. very close. Everything is Clearer and brighter. So intense.

I break away from the pull that’s aching inside me. I start moving my hips. Winding them side to side while grinding on him. Taking his hands I place them on my hips, bolts of electricity sings through my body. I turn to face him. Our eyes meet again and everything around us just disappears. All I’m seeing is him. Those eyes. I feel like im flying.  Its getting too hot to fast so I try an evasive maneuver and get out of this hold, but somehow we made our way to the wall. I’m pinned down. Nowhere to run. His arms wrap around my waist and the bolts get stronger. The music fades and all I hear is a sweet, sweet  melody from my heart. And we kiss. Explosions and Fireworks and Destruction is everywhere. Pure chaos. My insides clings to the idea of us. My heart is in overdrive. My body tingles. My mind is having eruptions. And for the first time in forever I get this feeling that everything is Right. Gravity no longer bounds me. us. we’re afloat. I am in his embrace like its been a long time coming.

The kiss is over to quick for my liking. I stare at him. Amazed and in awe. He reciprocates. We’re breathing heavily and my body is singing with joy. I hear his heart beating and look down to his chest. He follows me. I place my hand where his heart is, not expecting him to put his hand on top of mine and we just stand there staring at each other. Taking in each other.  Someone walks in from the Balcony and all too damn soon the feeling is over. He’s no longer holding me. Touching me. But he’s staring at me. He looks so surreal at this moment. His hand touches his lips where our kiss lingers. He’s looks confused and in shock. Glad I’m not the only one. I sit down on the couch while my mind comes back to me. He sits directly next to me. The connection between us is so tangible that I could bottle it up and save it. I look at him and he looks at me. We’re no longer alone but we might as well be. I smile because his eyes tell me more than I should know but still there’s a mystery. This is not over. This is just beginning.