August 17th

Today, one of my little brothers have graduated high school. As I watched him receive his diploma, the pride and gratitude that mounted his face could have bought me to tears if I wasn’t trying to keep my composure. Today he realized the achievement that he has conquered. I  couldn’t be more proud to have witness yet another victory! One day soon my victory will come, and I will know all that he and my little sister have witnessed and on that day I will not hold back my tears, for I will let the rivers break as I rejoice in sweet freedom and Triumphant Victory.

 

Sweet Seduction

imagesCADET14CHere I am, standing at his door more afraid that I won’t go through with this. Knowing that once this happens either my fixation or whatever is going on with him will end. But somehow I know that it won’t. I shouldn’t be here. I’m taken. In love in fact. This is wrong. I know it is. I’ve been through this once already and I hurt someone. I can’t do that again, but when I’m with him everything seems lighter and gravity no longer binds me. I get the butterflies that I dreamed about. And when he touches me my skin lights fire. My blood boils and then in my eyes its just us in the room. My breathing is heated. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be here. Repeating this like my mind can trick my heart.  That’s right I’m turning around now. Come on legs, move. No luck and before I can just except that I’m here I impulsively knock on the door. Now its really time to panic. Shit! Okay, okay breathe. Shit!

” Lara, Hey what’s up? What are you doing here?” He says so surprised to see me. Like always.
” Um. Hey Kai. Nothing just didn’t want to be home. It’s to much going on over there.” I lie like its my life that’s on the line. ” So what’s up with you?” I say as I barge in. he laughs that adorable laugh he does when I do something cute or funny. It amazes me that I can have a really good friendship with him feeling the way I feel and still have a relationship. A healthy relationship that is. But still it amazes me, then again its when I’m alone that I really think about him. His eyes, that smile. His touch –
” Ay you okay.” Kai says while laughing at me. I guess my face was getting lost in my thoughts. Damn that’s not good.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Lying is not my best suit and If I don’t say anything now I’ll never know anything. It’s now or never! Say it. Say it. Say it!
” Actually Kai I’m not fine. Or okay. I’m insane.-” Yeah nice start. Insane? ugh. ” I’m.. -um. I’m..” God just say it.

Why can’t I say it. Damnit. I feel tears forming and what’s worst I think he sees the frustration and agony I’m going through. God this shouldn’t be that hard. I live for this shit. And before I fall even deeper in this whole I’m digging for myself, strong hands grab me and soft lips appear on my mine. Bliss feels my body and the world around me. I’m adrift, flying in the wind. He hugs me tighter. Firmer. Kisses me harder. Deeper. My heart constricts then races against the speed of light and my breath is desperately trying to catch up. This feels amazing. His arms around me. Possessively but passionately. His lips feel like silk against mine. Tears are falling, I am in heaven. Sweet Heaven. Too soon the kiss ends and we both come up for air. But I don’t want air I want him. All of him. Staring at those eyes that just makes my soul weep in glory, I get lost in him. Even more than I already am. I’m memorized. The look in eyes tells me that everything I’ve been going through and feeling, I wasn’t alone. But for him it look painful and Beautiful all at the same time and I didn’t have to why.  It was me. I belong to someone else. This was a bad idea. I know it.

” I don’t know what this is between us but believe me you are not alone in it. I can’t help myself. I can’t be alone with you for too long, I’m surprised I lasted this long. I want you Lara. I want all of you.”
” Kai” His lips are back on mine and I fall against my will. We walk hand in hand to the bedroom. Its dim. Just the way I like it. He always keeps a Vanilla candle lit. I love the smell of Vanilla. Its intoxicating. and romantic. A firm hand puts me against the wall and my blood is lava. This kiss, more concupiscent and intense, takes over. He gently kisses me softly on my cheek then down to my neck where I unwillingly welcome him passage. A painful bit sends passionate sensations through my body and I moan. He moans back and my eyes roll to the back of my head. His kisses get stronger and lighter. His hands caressing my body with vehement care and firmness to the touch. First he’s at my perky breasts, which ache for his mighty touch. Then he’s at my stomach, my ass, and of course he grabs at that. This is repeated. His breathy aches in my ear makes me want to erupt. I spin him around and push him on the wall. He blinks rapidly while his brain is playing catching up. My Sex Goddess takes control. He does his crooked smile and I smile seductively. He’s under my control now. This is Heaven.

My perfect utopia with a bow on it. We make our way to the bed. I pull his shirt up while leaving the whispers of my touch in the spot where the fabric of his shirt was. His muscles scream at me causing me to moan slightly, but he heard and smiled back with that crooked, seductive ass smile. His perfect body glistens in the specs of light. I slowly kiss his shoulders, then his pecks. His tattoos make me even higher off of him and we haven’t even started. I gently push him on the bed and step back a little to give him a little show of his own. With soft music playing in the background I slowly begin to sway my hips side to side. While seductively sliding my hands around the contours of my body. Piece by piece my clothing descends. I am naked, dancing for this man and loving ever moment of it. Having his eyes pierce my body each and ever corner takes me higher. I walk to him and he takes me with open hands. His fingers are like warm silk on my body. I run my hands through his head of hair,  he moans. I smile. And without a warning he takes me in his arms firmly and we fall to the bed.

Him on top, I am bound beneath him and I’m not putting up a fight. He’s kissing me and I’m kissing him back we’re lost in each other. His fingers find my bare vagina. He rubs her gently and moans with me. He makes his way down to her kissing my inner thighs. So softly. My patience is getting the best of me. But the tease is amazing. And out of the blue he takes her to his mouth. His tongue dances with my clitoris. So softly, so firmly, so gently. All blood rushes to my head,  my eyes roll to the back of my head. I exceed heaven. His hands grip my thighs as he eats me out passionately. I moan louder. Faster and faster he gets. I feel my body giving into the ravenous sensation. It hurts so good. And I come with well deserved relief, like I’d just won the battle of life. Moaning so loudly I lose myself in the mix of emotions that are spinning around freely. Oh god this is better than I dreamed it would be. My guilty smile makes a presence on my face while I wonder anxiously what sex is going to be like. He moans at my happy moment. He’s happy. He slowly makes his way to my face and to no surprise my juices are around his mouth. I bite my bottom lip because the sight of him right this moment makes me impatient. He smiles as if knowing exactly what I was thinking. wiping his mouth he kisses me. So passionately.

We roll around on the bed until I’m pinned to the bed. He looks at me with this glow in his eyes and my stomach flutters. Without warning he’s inside me. Oh my god! This is amazing! His moaning tells me we are on the same page. I moan louder and louder and louder. His body touching mine he wraps his arms around my waist and squeezes me tightly while speeding up his rhythm. I scream louder and louder. He moans even louder. Oh his moans; what they do to me.. This pleasure , this amorous, intoxicating, ravenous, passionate, well deserved pleasure is driving me wild. I never knew sex could feel this good. But this is not just sex. This is Love. As clear as ever. Love, and before I can come back from my thoughts I feel that intense sensation again. Its building and building. No I don’t want to come just yet. I want to enjoy him longer but my body chooses for me. I come harder and more intense than I’ve ever come before. My body is shaking. And he follows after me. Heat literally is rising off of us. The lingering sweet sensation of him and what he did to me causes my mind to erupt. We lie facing each other. Eye to eye we look in to each others’ and see all that life could be. But this is wrong. Even though it’s so right. This wrong. Right?
My eyes close and my dreams are awaken

CODE RED

Fallen-Angel-angels-32426792-1024-768Frustration, Anger, and Rage have all infiltrated me. The person I am has been run down and bound. I am now just their host. They cause my heart to feel restless. It’s like they’re squeezing the life out of me. Killing me. As painful as it is, part of me likes it, wants it, but I know that’s just them sinking their venomous teeth in my veins, my blood stream, making me want it like a drug. I feel them crawling through me. Enjoying my demise. My brain paints pictures of me and who I am, in an attempt to help me remember who I am; trying not to let these imbeciles take over me. I hear their sneaky, malevolent, whimsical laughs as the torment continues. I feel their venom work their way to my mind. Trying to take over me as quickly as possible. Trying to turn my mind to mush. Trying to completely control me.

Sleepless. They are making me feel restless and starved. Weak. I am putting up this fight, no, this war with every bit of strength they haven’t taken from me. But I want to give up. I want to give in. Give in to this Ravenous, all-consuming, high that they have me on. Give in to the desire. The Evil that they’ve plagued me with. The chemicals, their chemicals are in rushing through my body. The tips of my fingers tingle. Biting my lip, because I am enjoying this, they sing such a sweet melody. So captivating. Sirens in disguise, they are singing the Music of the Night to me. And I listen willingly. I listen willingly.

What am I doing? I can’t let them have me. I can’t let them win me. I have to fight. No matter how beautiful they make it seem. No matter how mesmerizing the song maybe. I can’t let them win me. My surroundings help them; puts me in their arctic embrace. The person I am is no more, but I fight like I have choice. Slowly I am losing my sanity as I hear their victorious laughs because they are enjoying my infinite demise.

But I still fight…I still fight…. I still….

June 27th

I never thought that I would say those words to someone again
and then you happened.
I never thought that I would feel alive again
and then you happened.
I never thought that I would truly find my Home
and then you happened.
I never thought that I would let someone hold me again,
without it feeling wrong, like it didn’t belong
and then you happened.
I never thought that I would smile so much that my cheeks would hurt
and all you’d have to do is look at me,
and then you happened.
I never thought that I would let myself trust in anyone or anything again
and it isn’t easy,
and then you happened.
I never thought that someone would have enough patience to deal with me,
and then you happened.
I never thought that someone would look at me and be in complete awe of me,
feeling honored to have me,
and then you happened.
I never thought that someone could love me the way that I needed, the way that I pleaded
and then you happened.
I never thought that I would truly find myself again,
that abundance of love I had back in my innocence;
a freedom one only wishes for again,
but then you would say,
‘It wasn’t I that happened, It was God that happened.’
I never thought that I would truly believe in God in blind faith,
but then,
HE.
Happened.
And it’s only The Beginning.

(c) Al’Nysa S. Goodwin

Loves’ Sour Spoils

He says that he.
Loves.
Me?
I hear the words, but I only.
Hear the words, I do not believe
Oh the memories from my past
renders me
incapable of letting someone love me
truly?
But his consistency and persistence
threatens this cocoon
I.
have.
placed my.
fragile heart in.
He.
Will.
Not.
let me be.
He constantly says he loves me.
Threatens me with kindness and patience
Calls me beautiful
not for selfishness
but of genuine hearted-ness
oh, he will not let me.
Be.
and I see.
Yes! I see that he loves me
but I am blinded by my own past memories.
I will not be a fool in hands, I will not let myself fall for this.
Smooth trickery?
but He constantly shows he
Loves Me.
Until the day I believe
Will I ever believe
Truly.
Without a single doubt.
Clouding me?
How long will he love.
Me.

(C) Al’Nysa S. Goodwin

Rush.. 🌷

I want to feel the rush of a crush.
The excitement; the unpredictability of infinite possibilities.
I want to feel those infinite butterflies,
until I’m so nervous I can’t think straight
or remember to breathe.

I want to smile from ear to ear
because of something he sends or says to me. I want to ride on the
whirlwind that is the cosmic ocean of our intellectual beings
as we unlock mysteries and new beginnings.

I want to dive deep into his red sea,
where chaotic storms are brewed; his heart, a new adventure for me as we twist
and turn falling deeper down the rabbits hole,
unleashing all his secrets without judgements.
And I’ll reciprocate, as he too will be yearning.

I just want to feel the rush of a crush. The excitement of new beginnings
with the unpredictabilities of infinite possibilities.
And if I so happen to get lost, I hope he’ll get lost with me.

                                                                                                                                             © Al’Nysa S. Goodwin